The Shock of Cancer & The Gift of Pause.
Imagine yourself being in your early 30’s - working pretty hard, single and looking to find that significant other. Then, Cancer shockingly enters your life. This is my story of how cancer interrupted my life, and how it was undeniably a regeneration of my values, self-worth, and lifestyle.
It was December 2017. Christmas just passed, and 2018 was just a few days away. I was out-of-town conducting recruitment interviews at a conference. As I stood in front of my hotel bathroom mirror, I felt a lump on my breast. It was peculiar, but I tried not to panic knowing that benign lumps can happen.
I went on to conduct my interviews. I attended seminars. I caught up with staff members whom I saw once a year. I even spent New Years with my relatives who lived nearby. But, on January 2, 2018, as I boarded my flight back to Vancouver, instinct (or the Holy Spirit) kicked in, and I called my doctor right away and booked an appointment for that same afternoon. Something in me told me I shouldn’t wait.
Then, 2 weeks later, at only 33 years old, I was formally diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the most shocking news and experience of my life. I was considered “young”, with no family history of breast cancer. It was just hard to believe. I was slated for surgery a month later and subsequent radiation therapy and hormone therapy.
As a Christian, my faith and trust in a Good and Loving God was being challenged. I did not understand why I was the one “chosen” for this suffering. And, as a single person back then, I thought my future in the dating department looked bleak. Surely, “Living with Cancer” is not the most enticing description on a dating profile. Additionally, my fertility could be affected if I needed chemotherapy (I didn’t end up needing chemo).
As I wrestled with God, He directed me to look to Jesus who had compassion for the sick (both physically and spiritually) and also suffered immensely Himself. I was reassured that I was not alone and hoped that beauty, wholeness, and purpose could come through from this ugly disease.
As I went through surgery and recovery, I was blessed with very strong support from my family, friends and colleagues, AND a ton of prayer. I am incredibly thankful for them. Surprisingly, I fared through all of the treatments quite well. In that season, I, admittedly, was grateful for the pause from work and major responsibilities. Work had been stressful for a sustained period of time to the point where I needed to see a counselor. I needed that few months off to care for myself and not hold on to the stress of work. Cancer seemed like a good “excuse” to care for myself first. With the diagnosis, I also took control of my diet and lost over 40lbs that year. It was an important season to reshuffle priorities, grow in my faith, and work towards physical, mental AND emotional healing – working towards wholeness.
I’m happy to report that I’m almost 5 years out from my diagnosis. I still think about recurrence especially when that time of the year comes around for my annual mammogram. It has been a reality check of how fragile life can be. So, I strive towards loving and accepting myself as how God created me to be, living out my purpose and blessing the people that God brings me to. Specifically, God has brought other women who had cancer or are battling cancer into my life. Together, we are able to vent, pray, and support one another in a “journey” that frankly doesn’t seem to end (even if you have “No Evidence of Disease”).
Don’t get me wrong, it’s really not all that agonizing. Somehow, there is a space where “cautious”, “realistic”, and “hopeful” can all exist.
Recently, CityAlight released a song called “In the Valley (Bless the Lord)”. One of the lines say “Bless the Lord for He gives me Himself. And, if I should remain in the valley today, Bless the Lord for He gives me Himself”. This song really moved me because it’s an exhortation to take conscious effort to “Bless the Lord” even when my situation is super hard. And, at the end of it all – no matter how hard it is – God has already given Himself to me through Christ. I can cast my cares on Him.
In addition to spiritual guidance, I really encourage anyone experiencing cancer to find community and tap into resources. If you are a younger women who has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer (or if you know someone who is), connecting to and finding support from other young women who have/had cancer will provide a sliver of comfort from the bewilderment that “you must be the only case” or the guilt that “you must have done something to cause the cancer”. Cancer may come very unexpectedly, but you can still maintain a measure of sanity by choosing to let people walk with you.
Here are some resources that I highly recommend:
rethink Breast Cancer – They also have a very supportive and active community on Facebook