Leadership Begins With Self-Awareness
A Leader In The Making?
Ever since high school, I've held different team lead, managerial and leadership positions (volunteer or paid). Somehow, opportunities always opened up for me to take part on leadership teams. By the time I was in my mid-20s though, I came to realize that I had a hard time handling stress and disappointment, regulating my emotions, and cared WAY too much about what other people thought of me. I THOUGHT I was very "self-aware" - observing everyone and everything around me and reacting accordingly - but, I have now come to accept that I was really just "self-conscious". That really held me back on growing as a leader.
Over the next 15 years, I focused on understanding myself and adopting a growth mindset - whether it's through business/leadership books, trainings, counselling, faith-based studies, or personality assessments. I highly recommend Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen’s “Thanks For The Feedback”, Katty Kay & Claire Shipman’s “Confidence Code”, and Peter Scazzero’s “The Emotionally Healthy Leader “. I’ll share some of my major learnings on a different blog.
But, one of the concepts that really helped me understand that I wasn’t really THAT self-aware was Dr. Tasha Eurich’s article on “What Self-Awareness Really Is (And How to Cultivate It)” in the Harvard Business Review’s Emotional Intelligence collection. Dr. Eurich says that not only do you need high INTERNAL self-awareness, but you also need high EXTERNAL self-awareness. This combo allows you to grow towards an “Aware” archetype. What is high external self-awareness? It means that you understand how others experience and view you, how your words and behaviors land on people, and how you open yourself up to seek feedback and opinion.
What I was experiencing in my 20s, though, was HIGH internal self-awareness, but LOW external self-awareness. This was definitely my struggle. What this looked like was that I was very afraid of feedback. Someone who has high external self-awareness would probably say, “Ohhh, I want to hear how other people think I’m doing, and how I can do better.” Instead, I tried to avoid reading anonymous feedback from my direct reports. I wasn’t able to take suggestions from my boss and proactively invite them to help me. I felt like I had to figure it out on my own. I often crumbled. I felt like nothing I was doing was good enough. But, I guess I also forgot that I was really only 24. I was young and had a lot to learn.
In trying to embrace feedback, I really had to first build a GROWTH MINDSET. I had to overcome this personal barrier that perceived feedback as scrutiny of my identity, morality and worth. In “Thanks For The Feedback”, it’s called Identity Trigger. It was as if that accepting other people’s feedback meant that they were right - I was “wrong” after all and ergo a BAD PERSON. I think I needed to accept that I CAN BE WRONG. It’s okay. I can make mistakes; along with every person in the world. My mistakes and failures don’t define my personal worth and most certainly doesn’t mean that I’m immoral if my intentions are coming from an honest place. I am trying to rewire my brain to a new neuropathway where I can take action -> maybe fail -> figure out what went wrong -> apply my learnings -> try again.
Looking back at how I struggled with self-consciousness and emotional regulation, I’m sure that if I had an empathetic AND strategic coach walk with me along with encouraging accountability, it would have made a world of a difference. That’s what I strive to do that for my clients - to bolster their self-awareness, emotional intelligence, confidence, growth mindset and resilience paired with DECISION MAKING AND ACTION so that they can become stronger, more impactful leaders for the people around them. Let me be clear - my approach to coaching isn’t the prosperity gospel, hustle culture nor toxic positivity. It’s an intentional approach to meet my clients where they are and support them to make progress a bit at a time - helping them to grow as self-aware and impactful leaders.